from TRUE HIP by Ignatius Jones
DANCING: THE MYTH OF THE NIGHTLIFE
It should now be obvious that the Truly Hip do not make
deliberate fools of themselves in public, unless there are
very, very good reasons. And there can be no denying that
the dumb throbbing that passes for modern dancing is one of
the easiest ways around to look like a hopeless jerk-off.
Think about it. Dancing is the only Art Form, thank God,
that complete amateurs are encouraged to perform in public.
Even the word "amateurs" is being too kind, for it implies
at least some knowledge of the Art in question - and most of
the twits making complete pork chops of themselves on disco
dance-floors have never had a dancing lesson in their lives.
And it shows.
Furthermore, the average disco dancefloor was never
designed for real dancing at all - it's usually the size of a
skateboard and always jam-packed with drunken fools. The only
kind of dancing that can take place there is a kind of
imbecilic flailing of the limbs which is not just
repetitious, but actually dangerous to the imbecile in
question AND the drunken fools around him.
Disco dancing is one of the follies of youth, like yo-
yo's, bubble-gum, skateboards and disco music itself. No one
over the age of twenty-five, (which seems to be the age of
reason nowadays), should ever be seen on a dance-floor unless
he is Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers - or at very least
Michael Jackson.
THE HIP EXCEPTION
There are some important exceptions however. Every now
and then we feel an incredible compulsion to wrap a
bandanna around our heads, slip on a yo-yo, grab the first
skate-board and zoom on down to the Follies of Youth, our
local disco. It is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as we
don't make a habit of it, and no one sees us.
DANCEFLOOR STYLES
For your occasional benefit, here are some of the more
common approaches to the voluntary public humiliation known
as dancing.
The Lobotomy stomp
Often performed by the old-fashioned yob who is profoundly
embarrassed to be on the dancefloor and would much rather be
in the Torana pulling a cone. Hi is here at the sullen
insistence of his girlfriend, and has been drinking steadily
to block it from his mind. He pushes himself arhythmically
from one foot to the other like his corns are killing him,
and will more often than not be clutching a can of warm
Fosters.
The Flailing Mania
Usually performed by girlfriends who think that they are
"artistic" and that their crazed swirling is some kind of
"performance". This can be very dangerous indeed on a crowded
dancefloor, and can be dealt with safely and discreetly by a
swift blow with a warm Fosters.
The Suburban Boogie
A favourite with the more dignified young ladies who know
that they are not in the least artistic and are going to look
right dorks if they just do the Stomp or, God forbid, try the
Flailing Mania. So they've worked out a few cute little
steps which they repeat ad nauseum to whatever is being
played, until some boy has drunk enough warm Fosters to
offer them a Malibu.
The Fruity Mince
Gay people long ago realized that the only way to perform
the mindless "dancing" known as disco was to actually BE
mindless. Therefore they ingest hallucinogens, inhale cardiac
stimulants and imbibe large quantities of central-nervous-
system depressant (or get pissed, snort Amyl and take
Ecstasy) before and during their excursions on the
dancefloor. This enables them to do the Lobotomy Stomp in
huge numbers and with much more conviction than their
heterosexual brethren.